In 2009, even Saint Nick has gone high tech.
This was the year of the Great Recession, of "green shoots," of layoffs and dashed dreams and fond hopes for recovery. But more than anything, it was the year of learning to do more with less - "efficiencies," in the euphemistic language of chief financial officers and HR professionals wielding pink slips by the dozen.
North Pole Inc., sadly, could not afford to ignore this trend. Sure, tradition is nice. But there are harsh economic realities to consider, and besides, Santa and Mrs. Claus suffer from information overload (who doesn't, really?). So they've ditched the quaint old system of hand-written lists indicating who has been naughty and nice and who will be crushed if he doesn't find Lego Star Wars Venator-Class Republic Attack Cruiser under the tree on Dec. 25.
Santa's got a brand-new SAP system now. Thanks to the wonders of business management software, he'll be employing 30 per cent fewer elves this season. The downside of all this technology is that it leaves the Pole vulnerable to a corporate scourge - hackers, such as Igor from The Globe and Mail's IT department, who managed to break down Santa's firewalls to uncover the Christmas wishes of the famous and the infamous …
Mark Carney, Bank of Canada: Throat lozenges and a megaphone. I've repeated the same "debt is evil" speech so many times, my vocal cords are frayed.
Jim Balsillie, Research In Motion: A National Hockey League franchise that I can move to Hamilton with no strings attached. Mike Zafirovski: A magic eraser that can remove all evidence that I was once CEO of Nortel Networks.
Frank Stronach, Magna International: What I want, General Motors snatched from me.
Gordon Nixon, Royal Bank: Dear Santa: I want more credit than Ed Clark for a change. Thanks. Gord.
Donald Guloien, Manulife Financial: My very own fortress. Calin Rovinescu, Air Canada: Peace, goodwill and a return of the customer willing to pay three grand to sit in business class.
Warren Buffett, Berkshire Hathaway: A train set. Oh, wait …
Conrad Black, Federal Correctional Complex, Florida: Dear Nicholas: As my current surroundings are anything but pulchritudinous, it would be a brobdingnagian gift to me if you could grant the wisdom to the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court to rescind my fraud conviction.
I would find that a most exhilarating triumph over the snivelling flibbertigibbets who prosecuted me. Sincerely, Lord Black.
Don Lindsay, Teck Resources: You gave me coal last Christmas, and our stock's up 544 per cent this year. So more coal!
Tiger Woods: [Transferred to naughty list, 12.02.2009 - SC.]/I>
Derek DeCloet