Comparing siblings brings resentment, not motivation

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Examining the things that every parent of a young child has said in moments of extreme frustration, and why experts say you should stop yourself short the next time

There are surely families out there with kids who are all equally adorable, obedient little cherubs. And it's just as likely that there are families in which all the kids are terrors.

But most of the siblings I've known fall into a classic dynamic: the good kid and the one who is – let's be diplomatic – harder to deal with. He's not a bad kid, he's just way more often a pain in the neck.

One kid will head straight for the coats when you say it's time to get dressed; the other will ask why we even have to go to the park, anyway. One will eat a dinner he doesn't particularly like without complaint; the other will whine for something else.

We have this classic dynamic to blame for an equally classic parental question.

It always comes out in moments of exasperated frustration, and it never does anyone any good: "Why can't you be more like your brother?" (Or sister, as the case may be.)

What do we think? That the kid is going to hear that, pause for reflection, and say, "You're right. I should choose as my role model this brown-nosing do-gooder."

Notice the resentment? That's what happens when you compare siblings.

"You think it's a motivator, but of course it's completely the opposite," says Barbara Desmarais, a Vancouver-based parenting coach. "We just never, ever want to compare. It simply never works, and the message that's received by the child is, 'I'm not good enough.'"

The kid will take that darkness and see his sibling as its source. Once that happens, you'll have to listen to the one who's hard to deal with give you a rundown of all the do-gooder's faults. And the "good" kid will go out of his way to act like the golden child just to get under his brother's skin. Is that how you want to spend your time?

No, it's not. And it's not how you want your kids to relate to each other. You want them to have each other's backs, not sizing up one another's faults in competition for your approval.

Any time you want to compare one of your kids to another, stop, Desmarais says. Whatever the issue, you have to treat your children as unique individuals.