My mother-in-law cut me out of a family photo

Lynn Coady

Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.

A reader writes: I have lived with my common-law husband for 26 years and his mother has never approved of me. She is class-conscious and very aware of the fact that my father worked in a factory while her late husband was a successful professional. I have tolerated her dismissive attitude over the years, but the latest demonstration is too much. She's now in her 80s, living in a retirement home out of town. When my partner returned from a visit, he told me his mother had cut me out of a photograph of us that I gave her years ago. At the time, she appeared to like the photo very much. Now only his half is displayed, in a frame that also has a photo of his siblings and his brother-in-law. My partner agrees this is over the top and says he'll have a word with her. I appreciate his support, but I think I should speak to her myself. Any advice?

Don't expect him to step up

Honey, your partner has already dropped the ball regarding “having a word" with his mother. He should have spoken up when he saw the mutilated picture. You don't tell us whether he has defended you against his mother's jibes in the past; I suspect the answer is “not so much," particularly if you aren't present. That being said, you have been living with the son of this snob for 26 years. Your best approach is to consider the source and be thankful that Mom's retirement home is out of town.

– Ann Sullivan, Peterborough, Ont.

Consider his feelings too

So you don't like your mother-in-law, what else is new? Sure, she's probably much worse than Jane Fonda, but you're also almost certainly no Jennifer Lopez. When deciding whether or not to have a confrontational talk with someone, I tend to ask myself an important question: “Who is going to benefit?" If speaking to her is only going to make you feel better, then perhaps you're being a bit selfish. Instead of thinking of her as an enemy, realize that in the end you both have the same goal. You both want what's right for your husband. Try to take into account how your husband must feel always being stuck in the middle, and take what your monster-in-law says in stride. At this point, I think it's safe to say he doesn't take much of what his mother says to heart anyway.

– Adi Berk, Thornhill, Ont.

Tell her how you feel

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