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A humorous look at the companies that caught our eye, for better or worse, this week.

Canadian Oil Sands


COS (TSX)

  Jan. 30, 2015 close: $7.85
  down 8¢ or 1% over week

The bad news is that Canadian Oil Sands slashed its dividend by 86 per cent. The good news? It’s still paying five cents a share a quarter – almost enough for a gumball if you save up for a whole year. With oil prices cratering, the company had warned in December that it would chop its dividend to 20 cents. But in a hilarious twist, it went even further.

Apple


AAPL (Nasdaq)

  Jan. 30, 2015 close: $117.16 (U.S.)
  up $4.18 or 3.7% over week

During the three months ended Dec. 27, Apple smashed expectations by selling a record 74.5 million iPhones – roughly 34,000 every hour. In other news, the number of people staring into their laps while stopped at traffic lights, walking into telephone poles on the street and completely ignoring each other at the dinner table also soared.

Intertape Polymer


ITP (TSX)

  Jan. 30, 2015 close: $18.75
  down $1.52 or 7.5% over week

Novel uses for adhesive tape:

1) Reattaching the bumper to your car;
2) Duct-taping yourself to a chair in a fake robbery insurance scam;
3) Losing money on the stock market.

Shares of Intertape Polymer – which makes tapes, films and fabrics – sank after the company slashed its fourth-quarter outlook, citing “temporary manufacturing issues” and “delays in customer orders.” Investors are in a sticky situation.

Microsoft


MSFT (Nasdaq)

  Jan. 30, 2015 close: $40.40 (U.S.)
  down $6.78 or 14.4% over week

After a brief love affair, investors have gone back to hating Microsoft again. The shares – which had risen sharply since Satya Nadella took the reins as CEO a year ago – came back to earth after the software giant posted disappointing sales growth in its commercial division that includes Windows and Office products. With Mr. Nadella proving to be a mere mortal and analysts cutting their ratings, the stock could be “soft” for a while.

Metro


MRU (TSX)

  Jan. 30, 2015 close: $100.56
  up $3.69 or 3.8% over week

True or false: Selling groceries is a low-margin, cutthroat business in which companies never make any money.

False.

Shares of Metro – whose supermarket banners include Metro, Super C and Food Basics – jumped after the company reported a 21.6-per-cent gain in adjusted earnings, raised its dividend and announced a three-for-one stock split. Investors are heading straight for the filet mignon.